12/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16701
A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks.
The officer says,
“Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”
The old man confirms that he will and drives off.
The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks.
Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses.
The officer pulls him over again and yells,
“I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”
The old man replies,
“I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”
12/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16699
A professor sits with a farmer in a train.
Bored, the professor says to the farmer:
“I ask you a question, if you can’t answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can’t answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?”
The farmer nods.
The professor asks the farmer:
“What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The farmer silently takes out $5 and give it to the professor.
The farmer asks the professor:
“What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?”
The professor thinks hardly but couldn’t find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer.
The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks:
“What animal is it!?”
The farmer takes out $5 and give it to the professor, then he falls asleep.
12/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16697
Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”
12/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16694
John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.
The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was so skinny.
But his wife said they could use hers.
The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her b*tt.
So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns’s face.
After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.
One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your sacrifice.”
She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”
12/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16692
Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man,
“It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
“Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”