01/03/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16754
There once was a blind old man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
“Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered,
“Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
The bartender replied,
“Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind old man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied,
“Second door to the right.”
The old man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind old man started shouting…
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
01/02/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16751
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse.
Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle’s b*tt and asks,
“How high up are we?”
“About 2,000 feet,” the eagle replies.
The mouse replies,
“You ain’t sh*ttin’ me, are you?”
01/01/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16748
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.
One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food:
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point.
He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one-point tool and his four-point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four-point tool was missing.
The chimp was distraught.
He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion.
“Lion, Lion!” he cried,
“Have you seen my four point tool?”
“No.” Replied the lion,
“I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
“Gorilla, Gorilla!” He cried.
“Have you seen my four point tool?”
“No.” Replied the gorilla,
“I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
“Jaguar, Jaguar!” He cried.
“Have you seen my four point tool?”
“Yup!” Replied the jaguar
“I’ve seen your four point tool.”
“Well where is it?” Inquired the chimp.
“I ate it.” Said the jaguar, smugly.
“Why would you do that?” Cried the chimp.
“Because.” Replied the big cat,
“I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
12/31/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16746
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
” No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”
12/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16744
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them f*ckin’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them f*ckin’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet a$s, it ain’t none of them F*ckin’ Peas!