Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says,

“Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”

Frank says,

“Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same,

yeah, I would give the other one to you.”

So, they keep walking.

After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says,

“Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”

Jim says,

“Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of

those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”

They keep walking.

A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank,

“Frank, if you had two chickens…”

“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”

A shark swimming under a Bridge sees a Squid swimming towards him:

“How ya goin’ Squid?” He said.

In a feeble voice, the Squid replied.

“Not too good Mr Shark.”

“Oh, crook are ya?” The shark said.

“Yeah, I am.” He said.

“Where ya going?” The Shark said.

“I was going to North Head, there’s a place there where this weed grows that’ll fix me up, but I’m too sick to go.” He said.

The shark smiled and said.

“Hop on my back and I’ll take you out there.”

The Squid thanked him and got on his back.

They arrived at the Heads and the Shark dived to the bottom outside this undersea cave.

A big grouper came out and said.

“How ya going? Shark, what brings you to over here?” He asked.

“Oh I just called in to give you that sick squid I owe you.”

On break time, a teacher realized that one of his students had just stayed idle like a desolated statue.

Wanting to at least cheer him up, the teacher went where the kid was and sat down beside him and said,

“Johnny, what’s wrong with you? Are you sick?”

“No.” He said shaking his head.

“So what’s wrong?”

“I just wanna be alone.”

“Why?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, what if you tell me a story?”

“Hmmm,” said Johnny, “okay, I’ll tell you this story in four parts.”

“Now you’re talking. What’s the story about?”

“It’s about my mom and dad.”

“Really? That’ll be a great one.”

“Yes. It’s in four parts.”

“Great, so what’s part one about?”

“My mom and dad were travelling to a camping site yesterday. On their way there, they reached a junction where the road was splitting up. Dad looked at my mom and said, ‘honey, we’re gonna take the right turn’ but my mom protested and said, ‘no, this road is too muddy! Take the right turn!’ Quickly, dad slapped my mom and asked her, ‘who is driving? Is it you or me?’ “

“Damn! That was harsh.” Said the teacher.

“Really? If you only knew about what happened in part two.”

“Okay, what happened in the second part?”

“When they arrived to the camping site, my dad went straight fishing and mom was home. Dad returned about an hour later with five tilapia fish which got my mom very happy and she said to him, ‘well done honey, bring them here so I can boil them for you and make you some soup.’ However, my dad protested saying, ‘no. No. No honey, I don’t want boiled fish, grill them a bit and fry them later…’ before he could even finish a hot slap landed on to his face and then my mom asked him, ‘who is cooking? Is it you or me?’.”

“Fair enough.” Said the teacher smiling.

“I like how smart she is.”

Johnny laughed and said, “me too, but now I wanna start telling you about what happened in the fourth part. You’ll like it I bet you…” the teacher cut him off.

“Why the fourth part? Tell me about what happened in the third part first.” Said the teacher before a surprisingly hot slap landed on her face.

“Dammit Johnny! What was that for?”

Johnny laughed at her and said,
“who is telling the story? Is it you or me?”

An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures:

If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure.

He bragged that he could tell any kind of wood by smell.

Everyone tried to stump him, but he always got the right wood.

A few of his friends came up with a plan.

They got an old lady to lie on the bar.

The old man sniffed and thought and sniffed again.

He told them to turn the wood over so the old lady lay on her stomach and he sniffed again.

His face lit up and he said….

“You tried to trick me, this is the sh*thouse door from a tuna boat.”

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”

Martha replies,

“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds,

“I don’t care.”

“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”