Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding through the desert before landing up at Prickly Gulch Creek where they go into the saloon for a much-needed drink.

They’ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.

“That’s mine,” replies the Lone Ranger.

“Is there anything wrong?”

“Sure is, the animals collapsed,” says the man.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some water he seems to revive a bit.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says,

“Will you just run around him for a few minutes so he can feel a breeze and that’ll soon put him right.”

Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his drink.

A moment later another man rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.

“Bloody hell,” says the Lone Ranger.

“That’s mine, now what’s wrong?”

“Oh your horse is alright,” says the man,

“but you’ve left your injun running.”

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.

For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.

“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.

“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.

“Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A Nut!”

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”

The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”

“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”

Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says,

“Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.”

Donnie says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, “Where did you get that beer, Donnie?”

Cooter’s wife gave it to me,” Ronnie replies.

That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

“Well, not exactly,” Donnie says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Cooter’s widow’”.

She said, “You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.”

Then I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.”

A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him.

The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.”

So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is.

The dad replies it’s a snake.

Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom.

She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.”

They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is.

The mom replies they’re her headlights.

Then he looks down and asks what it is.

She says it’s her bush.

Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents.

They reply “yes, but don’t look down.”

He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights.

The snake is going into the bush!