Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It’s after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .

HE paid for your Football season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says,

‘What would you do’?

The cabby replies,

‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’

A man and his wife went to a “s3xologist”.

The “Doctor” took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the “Doctor” he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his blood pressure and other things and finally told him he would see his wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said,

“Ok, you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.”

Then the s3xologist went into the other office and told the husband,

“You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn’t get an erection either !”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding through the desert before landing up at Prickly Gulch Creek where they go into the saloon for a much-needed drink.

They’ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.

“That’s mine,” replies the Lone Ranger.

“Is there anything wrong?”

“Sure is, the animals collapsed,” says the man.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some water he seems to revive a bit.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says,

“Will you just run around him for a few minutes so he can feel a breeze and that’ll soon put him right.”

Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his drink.

A moment later another man rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.

“Bloody hell,” says the Lone Ranger.

“That’s mine, now what’s wrong?”

“Oh your horse is alright,” says the man,

“but you’ve left your injun running.”

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.

For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.

“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.

“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.

“Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A Nut!”

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”

The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”

“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”

Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”