Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two older gentlemen, Fred and Sam, went to see a movie.

Merely minutes into the movie, Sam heard Fred rustling around.

It appeared that he was reaching under all of the seats.

“What on earth are you doing, Fred?” asked Sam.

Fred indignantly responded,

“I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I’m trying to find it!”

Annoyed, Sam told him not to worry about it — they could get him another caramel later since that one was ruined by now.

“But I’ve got to,” said Fred, exasperated.

“My teeth are in it!”

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,

“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said,

“Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”

The boy answered,

“I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home.

Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen.

Then he began to gather her information.

“What’s your age?” he asked.

“Fifty-eight,” answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.

“What does that do?”

“It’s a lie detector,” said Glenn with a straight face.

“Now, what did you say your age was?”

“Sixty-seven,” answered the woman sheepishly.

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call centre.

“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.

“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.

“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”

“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.

“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”

“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”

The call centre operator was adamant.

“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”

“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.

“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”

An old lady has 3 grown-up sons who each bought her a present for her milestone birthday.

The first son, who had made it big in life, bought his old mom a beautiful big house.

The second son bought his mom a fabulous big car.

The third son, knowing his elderly mother was very devout, searched and searched for something appropriate until eventually, he came across an extremely rare parrot that could recite the entire bible and explain all of its prophecies.

However, the bird was in Madagascar and what’s more, it was extremely expensive.

So after much thought, he decided to sell up his house and car, travel and buy the parrot for his dear old mom.

Sometime later the old lady is writing to her 3 sons.

To the first son, she writes:

“Thank you so much for the lovely big house, that was so kind. However it’s really too big for me, I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to sell it and buy a bungalow.”

To the second son, a similar letter was sent, saying the car was too big and would be exchanged for something smaller.

To the third son, she wrote:

“Ah now you knew what was closest to my heart, thank you so much for the chicken it was delicious!