05/15/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17131
A lawyer’s dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks,
“If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Definitely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 is due for a consultation.
05/14/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17127
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.
The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.
Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
“Well,” the man says,
“I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”
“What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”
“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will’.”
“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I MEANT to say.
But what came OUT was, ‘Of course I do’.”
05/13/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17124
During a recent physical examination,
An elderly Jim’s doctor asked him about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day.
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty rough terrain.
“I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
“I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I narrowly avoided standing on a snake.
“I climbed several rocky hills. I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees.
“The mental stress of it all left me shattered. In the end, I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!”
“No,” Jim replied.
“I’m just a really bad golfer.”
05/12/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17122
A young Army private seeks permission from his commanding officer to leave camp the following weekend.
“You see,” he explains,
“my wife’s expecting.”
“I understand,” the officer tells him.
“You go, and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier is back again with the same explanation:
“My wife’s expecting.”
The officer looks surprised,
“Still expecting?” asks. `Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course, you can have the weekend off.”
When the same soldier appears again the third week, however, the officer loses his temper.
“Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting,” he says.
“Yes, sir,” says the soldier resolutely. “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” the officer. Says the soldier simply,
“Me.”
05/11/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17119
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.
“What did you marinate this in?” he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own,
“What did you ask me?”
She chuckled at his answer and explained,
“I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”
As she left the room, he called out,
“Well, would you marry me again?”
Without hesitation, she replied,
“Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”