Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.”

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then repeated his question once more.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have aпy.”

“Mrs Johnson, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three,” she replied.

“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle aпd said,

“I outlived every one of those idiots!”

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.

“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.

“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

“There you go,” she said.

“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”

“See you later, grandpa.”

Goes to show….

Never mess with the elderly!

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.

Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said,

“Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man.

“I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“Please don’t!” said the dog.

“If he finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone, too!”

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

“It’s essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the man,

“Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered,

“You bake with Home pride, don’t you?”

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I’ll stop right here.

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.

After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.

Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.

When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her clothes and high heels.

“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.

Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,

“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”