Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven

She is overjoyed as she was a devoted Catholic and going to Heaven was her life’s dream. Once there she is firstly greeted by God and

then she sets off to explore the Heaven (which is to be honest, based on how people are, quiet empty – think tumbleweeds in the prairie).

When the old lady gets hungry she finds God and asks where can she get some food. God takes her to a table where she finds bread,

peanut butter, jelly and a toaster. So God and the old lady sit and eat PBJ sandwiches.

As she looks down, past the edge of the Heaven, she sees that below in Hell they have a massive feast with many different barbecue

meats on the table. Nevertheless she is glad to be in Heaven and doesn’t say anything and finishes her PBJ.

Next time she gets hungry a similar thing happens; God invites her in, this time for butter and honey on toast, and as she looks down

she sees those in hell having a seafood feast with fish, scampi, prawns, oysters etc. Nevertheless she is just glad to be in Heaven and

keeps her thoughts to herself.

However, when a similar thing happens the third time she simply cannot keep quiet anymore and says to God: “I don’t want to be

ungrateful and I’m very thankful to be in Heaven, but why are we here having toast, while in Hell they have a different feast every time

I look down??”

“Well,” says God, “it’s not really worth the time to cook just for two.”

A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband. While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.

The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the

strong smell of paint. Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his

surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.

Worried, he asks if she’s okay. She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to

prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house. When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read

the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”

A Cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink…Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he

was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it

above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like

to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened

in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman. After the wedding, he lays down the law:

“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t

be home. I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no pushback. Those are my

rules. Any questions?”

His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be sex here… whether you’re home or not.”

John was an easy target for any kind of strange gadget, and his wife Marsha had long given up on trying to get him to stop. One day, he came home with his latest purchase: a robot he swore could actually detect lies.

Around 5:30 that evening, their 11-year-old son, Tommy, got home from school, over two hours late.

“Where have you been?” John asked. “Why are you over two hours late?”

Tommy said, “Oh, a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project.”

The robot immediately walked over and slapped Tommy, knocking him out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot can tell when you’re lying. Now, where were you really?”

Tommy sighed. “Okay, fine. We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”

“What movie?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments,” Tommy replied.

The robot walked over and slapped him again, harder this time.

With his lip trembling, Tommy finally admitted, “Alright, alright! We actually watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

John shook his head. “I’m so disappointed in you, son. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot immediately walked over and gave John a slap that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha burst into laughter, tears in her eyes. “Oh, John, you had that one coming! Besides, Tommy is your son!”

And with that, the robot turned to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair, too.