Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three contractors were submitting estimates to replace a large amount of fencing in a large country house.

The estate manager got them all together so that he could study their bids.

The first one took out his tape and measured how much fencing would be needed.

He then produced a notebook and pencil and proceeded to do some calculations before turning to the estate manager and telling him, “I reckon that with the materials and labour, I can do it for £900.”

The second contractor did much the same as the first one and after a while he said, “My estimate for the job, including materials and labour, would be £800 all in.”

The estate manager looked at the third contractor and asked him what his estimate would be.

The man didn’t move at all, but said to the manager, “£2800.”

“£2800?” said the manager, “but you haven’t even bothered to measure up. How did you arrive at that figure?”

The man took the manager’s arm and walked him a few paces away from the other contractors and said to him quietly, “That’s a thousand for me, a thousand for you, and you get the second bloke to do the fencing.”

“Done,” said the manager.

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”

“Erm, I don’t know” I replied

“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing

“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs”

“Donald Duck” I replied

“No, all ducks you idiot”

A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.

The man said to his wife

“Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.

“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband,

“You.”

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.

Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.

She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.

Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.

He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition. They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars. Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.

As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.

When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.

Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?”

The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”

The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?”

The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.”

The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?”

The momma cow again replieds” Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.”

The final baby walks over and says, “Duh huh guh nuh!”

The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock.”