Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”

The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”

Two guys were playing golf.

On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups.

Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes.

Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.

All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared.

She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.

She said, ”Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won’t have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won’t hurt my creations.”

*POOF* She disappeared.

Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, “Bob!

Bob! Come over here here quick!”

Bob replied, “Wait a sec. I’m hitting my shot and I’ll be right over.”

Jack yelled back at Bob, “Where are you?”

Bob answered, “I’m over here in the kitten-paw willows”

Jack shouted back, “Don’t swing Bob! For the love of God, don’t swing!”

A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about s3x. Can you explain it to me first?”

“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”

Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.

Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?'”