Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

The young man thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the president.

“Well, a thought takes no time at all…it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.”

“Ahh, very good. Thank you,” replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

The young man paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.”

“Why?” asked the president.

“Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.”

The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on.”

“I see, very good,” replied the president.

Then, the young man from Stanford was called in. He, too, was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

“That’s easy…” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhea!”

Rather stunned, the president asked, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it came out!!!!!”

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

“Murphy,” he asked, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten” said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

“Murphy,” he said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”

“That’s funny,” said Murphy. “So did I.”

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,

“What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! We all had dates and they ran a little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now we’re here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No, sir” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”