Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a
drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks,
the bartender got worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”

He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement.”

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Reply from dad…

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

After retiring from his very lucrative job in the music business, Kreutzmann decided to learn to scuba dive. He spent thousands of dollars for lessons, then spent thousands more for the finest suits, tanks, masks, and other related gear. After he bought a boat and sailed to Hawaii, he felt a surge of pride as he went down into the water. Photographing the coral and the fish and using a waterproof pen and pad to make notes, he was surprised to find a man swimming several dozen feet below him with no equipment at all.

Outraged, Kreutzmann flippered over and tapped the man on the shoulder and wrote on his pad, “I spend thousands on scuba diving and here you are in bathing suit. What gives?”

The man took the pad and pen and wrote, “I’m drowning, you idiot.”