Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“&&** off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

It was Kelly and Patrick giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.

After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitt’n behind Patrick on the bike began to holler …”Patrick … Patrick … the wind is cutt’n me chest out!”

“Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back … that’ll block the wind for you.”

So Kelly took Patrick’s advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.

When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. “T’anks be to heaven, is he alright?” Patrick hailed to the farmers.

“Well,” said one of the farmers, “he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn’t said a word since!”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother explained, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment and said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, “It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. “Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector”, says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man.

“Scotsman, 25, won ten thousand on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

“Nothing unusual here”, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies : “Thought he was having his picture taken.”