Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know what type to get so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart “associate” wearing dark shades.

The woman says, “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00?.

She says, “That’s amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for — so I’ll take it.”

As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she’s embarrassed, but realizes there’s no way he could tell it was her because he’s blind and wouldn’t know she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale, and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She replies, “I thought you said it was only $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, $20.00 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50.”

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”