Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother explained, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment and said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, “It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. “Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector”, says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man.

“Scotsman, 25, won ten thousand on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

“Nothing unusual here”, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies : “Thought he was having his picture taken.”

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a
drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks,
the bartender got worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”

He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”