Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An urbanite retired and moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat and made every effort to become a country gentleman.

One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing him around the farm they came to the gentle-man’s pride and joy…a fine-looking horse.

“Yes sir,” said the gentleman, “I go for a buggy ride almost every morning. How about I hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?”

“Suits me.” answers the friend.

The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth, the guest said, “Why don’t you wait until he yawns?”

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, “Families are Forever.” And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“&&** off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

It was Kelly and Patrick giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.

After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitt’n behind Patrick on the bike began to holler …”Patrick … Patrick … the wind is cutt’n me chest out!”

“Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back … that’ll block the wind for you.”

So Kelly took Patrick’s advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.

When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. “T’anks be to heaven, is he alright?” Patrick hailed to the farmers.

“Well,” said one of the farmers, “he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn’t said a word since!”