Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: “Ames” “Here!” “Jenson” “Here!” “Jones” “Here!” “Magersky” “Here!” “Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian’s last name was and I explained that he hadn’t left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn’t know. “There are 1500 employees in this building, ma’am,” she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. “Danielle,” she said. “And your last name?” I asked.

“Sorry,” she replied, “we don’t give out last names.”

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading:
“Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he heard moaning: “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

At the couples retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’

The woman wrote: ‘When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like him and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.’

The man wrote: ‘I love sex.’