Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”

The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?”

“Your name never came up, ” she replied.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight #293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So set back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants.”

A passenger in coach said, “THAT’S NOTHING. He should see the back of mine.”

When I got to work Monday, I was limping somewhat noticeably. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”

I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television…”