Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it’ll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, “We’ll ship her home.”

The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

12 Things NOT to say to a Cop

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says, “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

What is a plumber’s favorite type of shoes?

Clogs

“You know your going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down. ‘How about those . . .’ ‘Next.’ ‘What?’ ‘We’re done.’ ‘Well, here’s a tip.’ ‘I can’t. That would be stealing.’”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1962.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”