Daily Joke: Jokes Library

DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.

When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.

“I don’t see why I have to show you my ID,” the pilot snapped. “After all, it is my plane.”

“Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane,” replied Jim, “but it’s sitting in my garage!”

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters “UFO.” The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

“Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?” he asked.

“No,” one of the other-worldly travelers responded, “It stands for “Unleaded Fuel Only.”

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?” Johnny: “9?
Principal: “What is 6×6?” Johnny: “36?

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade,” The teacher says to the principal, “let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “legs”. Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’ eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,” Pockets”. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.”

An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn’t open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days’ growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an “x” at the “two o’clock” mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe’s door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud “CLICK” was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.

The safe was empty.

Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.

“A hundred and twenty dollars,” replied the locksmith.

“A hundred and twenty dollars?!” shouted the businessman, “That’s outrageous! The other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!”

“Okay.” The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few minutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:

“Charge for drilling hole — $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole — $100.”

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied “S-H-I-T.” She looked at him, puzzled, and said “T-G-I-F” again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering “S-H-I-T.” The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, “T-G-I-F” another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,”S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?”

The man answered, “S-H-I-T, S-orry H-oney, I-t’s T-hursday.”