Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Million to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

A lady walks into a bar and says, “Barkeep, gimme a martooni.” The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, “Barkeep, gimme another martooni.”

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn’t say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, “Would you like another?”

She says, “Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It’s martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It’s bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You’re not having heartburn, your boob’s in the ash tray.”

A blonde puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,

“This book has no story and way too many characters.”

The librarian says, “So that’s where the phone book went.”

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”