Daily Joke: Jokes Library

In the backwoods of Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ John decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing, talkin ’bout the good ol’ days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!

“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.”

Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG!

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ John!”

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says,

“Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,

“Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The redhead in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”

Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or Treat …

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “What a scary mask!” but you’re not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least…

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.

“How’s business?” asked the first.

“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’