Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

“That’s Strange!”

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”

Bill was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bill. “Bill, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bill. “I remember now.”

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bill. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”