Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!”

I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be s3x here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.  After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.”

One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”

“N,” she answered.