Daily Joke: Jokes Library

At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?”

“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology.

“Oh good,” says the man, “then this is my row.”

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”

“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her.

Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.

“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.”

The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money.

“Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”

“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”

And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”

He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”