Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.

Then said, “We have reached your destination”.

The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”.

The 3rd guy slapped the driver.

The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”.

The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!”

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?

The operator says, Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, Okay, now what?