Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman with freshly dyed brunette hair walks into the doctor’s office, clearly distressed. “Doc, something’s seriously wrong! Every part of my body hurts when I touch it!”

The doctor raises an eyebrow. “That sounds… unlikely. Show me.”

So she pokes her elbow—“AAAGH!” She taps her knee—“OWWW!” She lightly presses her ankle—“MOTHER OF PEARL!”

The doctor pauses, stares at her, and asks, “Be honest… you’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She sighs. “Okay, fine. I’m actually a blonde. I dyed it last week.”

The doctor nods knowingly. “Yeah, that tracks. Your finger is broken.”

During the Great Depression — when money was tighter than a hipster’s jeans — a scruffy-looking guy strolled into a bar like he owned the joint. He slammed a stack of cash on the counter and declared, “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The bartender blinked like he’d just seen a unicorn juggling flaming bowling pins. “Buddy, this is the Depression. We don’t even look at money unless it comes with a bodyguard. You got the cash?”

The man grinned and pointed at the wad of bills like it was a newborn baby. “Oh, I got it.”

“Where the heck did you get all that?” asked the bartender, suspicious.

“I’m a professional gambler.”

The bartender snorted so hard he nearly sucked in a peanut. “A gambler? In this economy? What, you flip coins and cry half the time?”

“I only bet on sure things,” said the man smugly.

“Like what?”

“I’ll bet you fifty bucks I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender eyed him up and down. “You’re not a mutant. That’s impossible. Deal.”

The guy popped out a glass eye and chomped it like a snack. CHOMP.

The bartender nearly choked on his own regret. “You son of a—fine.” He handed over the $50.

“Double or nothing,” said the gambler. “I’ll bet I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender squinted. “You’re not blind—I saw you look at me. No way. You’re on.”

The guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. Like it was a carrot stick.

“OH, COME ON!” the bartender wailed. “Are you made of spare parts?!”

Smiling like a raccoon in a dumpster buffet, the man said, “Tell you what, just gimme a bottle of your finest scotch and we’ll call it even.”

Later that night, after enough scotch to tranquilize a rhino and a few hours of hustling the locals at cards, the guy stumbled back to the bar—drunker than a karaoke machine on tequila.

“Bartender… I got one last bet,” he slurred. “Five hundred bucks says I can stand on this bar… on one leg… and pee into that whiskey bottle behind you… without spilling a drop.”

The bartender glanced at the shelf, then at the man wobbling like a Jenga tower in an earthquake. “Buddy, you can’t even talk in a straight line. You’re on.”

The guy climbed up, balanced like a drunken flamingo, and let loose. Pee went everywhere — the bar, the bartender, the ceiling fan. Basically everywhere except the bottle.

The bartender burst out laughing, soaked but triumphant. “HA! Fork it over, you lunatic!”

The gambler climbed down, wiping tears from his eyes. “Nah, see… I just bet everyone in the back room a thousand bucks I could pee all over you and your bar and you’d still laugh about it!”

A monkey is chilling up in a tree, puffin’ on a fat joint, eyes half-closed like he’s contemplating the universe.

Suddenly, a lizard strolls by underneath, does a double take, and goes,
“Yo! Monkey! What the heck are you doing up there?”

Monkey squints down, grins, and says,
“Blazin’ one, bro. Come up and catch a vibe.”

So the lizard scurries up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they start toking together like it’s a jungle version of Pineapple Express.

After a few hits, the lizard coughs and goes,
“Duuude… I got the driest mouth in the rainforest. I need water now.”

He climbs down, stumbles through the underbrush like he’s in slow-mo, makes it to the river, leans in for a drink…
And SPLASH! Falls in like a baked little noodle.

A crocodile nearby sees this and swims over, hauls him out, and says,
“Bro, what’s your malfunction?!”

Lizard, blinking one eye at a time, says,
“Dude… I was up in a tree, smokin’ a joint with a monkey… got too zooted… came down for water… now I’m swimming with dinosaurs.”

The croc’s like, “No way,” and he lumbers off into the jungle to see this for himself.

He finds the tree, and sure enough, there’s the monkey—eyes redder than the devil’s toenails—finishing off the joint like a boss.

Croc shouts up,
“Hey! YOU!”

The monkey looks down, blinks twice, and goes,
“WHOOOOOAAA… how much water did you drink?!”

A doctor and a lawyer are chatting at a party, trying to enjoy the evening.

But every five minutes, someone barges in to show the doctor a rash, describe their back pain, or ask if that mole looks weird.

After about an hour of free diagnostics, the doctor sighs and asks the lawyer, “How do you deal with people begging for free legal advice outside of work?”

The lawyer smirks and says, “Easy. I give them advice… and then I mail them a bill.”

The doctor blinks. “Seriously?”

“Dead serious.”

Inspired—and a little vengeful—the doctor decides to try it. The next day, he starts writing up bills for every party parasite.

As he goes to drop them in the mailbox, he finds something waiting for him.

A bill.

From the lawyer.

Three guys kick the bucket in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates, face-to-face with none other than Jesus himself—looking more majestic than a shampoo commercial.

Jesus says, “Alright, fellas, I’ve got one question for each of you. Tell the truth, you’re in. Lie to me, and it’s straight to the eternal barbecue downstairs.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

The guy puffs out his chest and says, “Never, Lord. I was loyal as a Labrador.”

Jesus nods, impressed. “Nice! You get a mega-mansion and a stretch limo to cruise around Heaven in style. Welcome aboard!”

He moves to the second guy. “And you?”

“Well… twice,” the guy mumbles.

Jesus raises an eyebrow. “Not ideal, but hey, honesty counts. You get a decent four-bedroom house and a shiny BMW. Next!”

He eyes the third guy. “And you?”

The third guy scratches his head and says, “Uh… eight times. Maybe nine. I lost count after Vegas.”

Jesus sighs, “Yikes. Alright, you still get in, but you’re stuck with a studio apartment and a Yugo that needs a push to start. Enjoy.”

A couple hours later, the second and third guys see Mr. Faithful—the mansion guy—sitting on a cloud, bawling his eyes out.

They rush over. “Dude! What’s wrong? You got the mansion! The limo! The heavenly hookup!”

Through the tears, the first guy sobs, “I just saw my wife… she was on a skateboard!”