Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Mike was obsessed with his new fitness tracker. It told him how many steps he took, how many calories he burned, and even how many times he blinked.

One day, his wife, Susan, asked him, “How many steps did you take today?”

Mike looked at his tracker and proudly said, “17,000!”

Susan rolled her eyes. “Wow, that’s impressive. Did you walk to the fridge 17,000 times?”

Mike paused. “Well… I did have to walk to the bathroom a few times, so maybe that’s it.”

Later that evening, the tracker buzzed. It said, “You’re 10,000 steps behind your daily goal.”

Mike sighed. “Great, now even my gadgets are judging me.”

Susan winked and said, “Don’t worry, honey. Maybe tomorrow you’ll get your steps in—if you can find the remote before it’s time for bed.”

A guy came back to his beloved BMW, only to discover the front end looked like it had lost a fight with a concrete wall—specifically, the headlights were shattered and the bumper was more crumpled than a rejected job application. There was no trace of the culprit vehicle, but hope flickered in his chest like a struggling flashlight battery when he spotted a note under the windshield wiper.

The note said:

“Oops, I just backed into your car! The people watching are all nodding and smiling right now, thinking I’m being responsible and leaving my details. But surprise! I’m not. You’ve got yourself a ghost in the machine, my friend. Best of luck!”

It was less of an apology and more of a taunting masterpiece.

A little boy came sprinting out of the bathroom, bawling his eyes out.

His dad rushed over and asked, “Whoa, what’s wrong, buddy?”

Sniffling, the kid wailed, “I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet!”

The dad sighed, “Alright, calm down. We’ll just toss it and get a new one.”

So he bravely fished the toothbrush out of the toilet (with a heroic grimace) and tossed it into the trash. When he walked back into the bathroom, he found the boy holding another toothbrush.

Dad squinted and said, “Wait a second… isn’t that my toothbrush?”

The boy nodded solemnly and whispered,
“Yeah… and we should probably throw this one out too… because it fell in the toilet four days ago .”

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

Two cowboys are sittin’ out under the desert sky, chewing the fat and swapping stories about everything from cattle to carnal conquest.

One tips his hat back and says,
“You know what really gets my spurs jinglin’? The ol’ Rodeo Position.”

The other cowboy squints at him.
“Rodeo Position? Sounds like something you’d need a saddle and a helmet for. What is it?”

The first cowboy smirks like a man who’s both proud and slightly traumatized.
“Well, first, you get your gal on all fours—standard cowboy protocol. Then you mount up from behind, nice and easy.”

“Uh-huh…” the second says cautiously.

“Then,” the cowboy continues, “you reach around, grab the front handlebars, and whisper in her ear—real sweet—‘Dang, these feel almost as good as your sister’s.’”

The second cowboy’s eyes go wide.
“Oh hell no!”

The first tips his hat with a grin.
“Then the real challenge begins: hold on for 30 seconds without getting bucked off, kicked, or excommunicated.”