Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied……. “The balcony.”

During King Solomon’s reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.

The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.

They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, “Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!”

The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, “Bring him the sword.”

The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, “Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!”

King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, “The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!”

The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, “My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!”

“Right!” King Solomon replied, “This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!”

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says in a dreamy voice, “but I feel much luckier naked…” and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked.  “Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!”

The roulette wheel stops on 13. “I won I WON!!!” Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: “Did she bet on 13?”

“I don’t know,” said the other dealer. “I thought you were looking…”

Conclusions:

1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

2. Not all blondes are stupid.

3. But men – are always MEN!

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die”.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: “Don’t sell that cow”.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father: “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers. “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willys are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree – mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”