Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring. To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could

After many months of searching on every continent, Adam came to a small farm in Switzerland and asked to stay there. The widowed farmer warmly brought Adam home and introduced him to his three daughters.
When they entered the room, Adam was astonished by their beauty … Each of the three daughters of the farmer was extraordinarily beautiful, and Adam decided that one of them would be his intended wife.

In the evening he told the farmer about his plans, and the happy father agreed that Adam would go on a date with each of his daughters to choose the one he liked best.

After meeting her first daughter, Adam approached her father and said: “She is really beautiful, but she has slightly crooked toes, it’s barely noticeable, but she is not for me.”

The father only shook his head, and the next evening Adam went out to meet his second daughter. When they returned, he told her father: “She is really beautiful but has a barely noticeable lazy eye, so she is not for me.”

On the third evening, Adam went out with the third daughter and when he returned he said to the father, “She’s perfect, she’s all I was looking for and I have to marry her right away!”

The wedding was planned quickly, and a few months later, Adam’s long-awaited firstborn was born.The new father came into the hospital room expecting to see his perfect offspring and was shocked when he saw that his child was hairy, ugly and not at all like him.

“How can it be???” he said to his father in law, standing next to him, “His mother and I are so beautiful!”

“Well,” replied the father in law, “she’s beautiful, but she was a bit pregnant when you met… really, barely noticeable…”

A newly wed fisherman’s wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops besides her.

“Good morning, ma’am, what are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book.” Answered the surprised woman. Couldn’t he see that, she thought.

“I’m afraid this is a no fishing area.” The officer notified her.

“I’m sorry officer but I’m not fishing, I’m clearly reading.”

“Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I’m going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint.”

“OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!”

“But..” splattered the surprised office, “I never touched you!”

“Yes that’s true,” Replied the woman, “but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment…”

Four explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water…

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal’s restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board.

With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order.

Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, “Can you help me understand your menu?

The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?”

“Are you kidding?” replied the waiter. “Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa.

Eventually he shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “You know what? Take the duck.”