Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion – your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry” said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Mom look great Dad”. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too!”

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

WOMAN’S DIARY

28 July, Saturday

‘Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love – but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else…’

MAN’S DIARY

Saturday 28 July

‘My team lost today.

What a bummer.

At least I got some sex!’

Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man.

Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.

The old matronly woman thinks: “Now that’s a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!”

The young woman thinks: “Now that’s a strange rich man – he’d rather kiss that old hag than me.”

The rich man thinks: “Now that’s a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped.”

The poor man is thinking: “Good, soon we’ll be through the tunnel, I’ll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire.”