01/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11043
After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.
“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.
“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.
“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.
But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him.
01/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11040
A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d’oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.
In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.
“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.’
His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.
“87!” he replied.
01/26/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11037
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
She used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”
The first man asked, “How’s that?”
“Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”
01/25/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11034
A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she came to an old farmhouse. Two men came out.
“Can we help ya, miss?”
“Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?”
“The town’s all shut up right now, but we can take you in the morning. You can spend the night with us.”
The woman thought: “Well, I really don’t have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself.” So she agreed.
“You know, miss, we’ve only got one bed in this house, so you’ll have to sleep with us…”
The woman thought to herself that she liked the look of these two country boys, and consented to sleep with them.
As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, “By the way, you DO have protection, don’t you?”
“Protection? What’s that?”
“You know, condoms.”
“Well, what’re they for?”
“It’s so I don’t get pregnant.”
“We’re simple country folk, miss. I’m afraid we don’t know about those things.”
“Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on.”
“Hmm… well, alright,” they said.
The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired, blew them a kiss, and drove off.
About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. Suddenly, one of them turns to the other and says “Ed, do you remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?”
“Yep.
She was real good, wasn’t she?”
“Yep.”
Say, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”
“Not really.”
“Well, then, let’s take these darn things off!”
01/24/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11030
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis, then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…
I don’t know how I pulled through it all. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.