Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.

They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.

As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.

As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.

Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”

A confident woman goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb sees a beautiful antique lamp. Intrigued, she picks it up. And as she starts to rub the dust off of it, a genie pops out of the lamp and says, to her great wonder and surprise, “I want to know the person you hate the most!”

The woman says, “That’s gotta be my ex-husband. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-husband will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but your ex-husband gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted. So your ex-husband gets two, remember. Now make your final wish.”

The woman walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says: “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death with it.”

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Whitey’s time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey’s favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Whitey’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair… and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result…

The judges not only awarded Brewster the “No Bell Piece Prize” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey. The way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

“Sure, have fun!”

Jim went on a gallop and was having the time of his life. “This horse sure can run.” He thought to himself. He was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead.

“STOP!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop.

“Yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered.

“HEYHEY!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Phew, thank God.”

We all become a little concerned as we begin to approach the half-way point in our lives. The truth is that it’s a reality everyone must experience, so we might as well look at it with a good sense of humor!

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full – of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it…

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself, and your chins follow suit.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream: “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions – What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, they have wingspans… They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, they are flying squirrels in drag.