Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

The man then asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Then he asks,”Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone.”

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications.

He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

“You say you have experience selling books?”

“Lots of it,” replies Jim.

“And you have a Master’s in American history from the University of Michigan?”

“Correct,” replies Jim. “History is my field of study.”

“Well then,” says the sales manager, “As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm.”

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, “Fine looking men. Your partners?”

A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:

“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she said: “You.”

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.

Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.