05/04/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11398
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, touching his lips.
“Tell him,” she says, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”
05/03/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11394
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog.
He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks.
He can’t wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor.
A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands “Fetch!”Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously.
Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey… And you think it’s easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it… it’s too salty and it gives me gas. It’s disgusting I tell you!”
The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.”
“I know, I know,” says the dog owner.
“He’s not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch.”
05/02/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11391
This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.
The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.
The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”
The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.”
The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t.
When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green.
However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”
The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?” The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”
The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”
The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”
The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f…ing putt!”
05/01/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11372
The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said: “My mom’s a streetwalker.”
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”
Johnny said “Yes”
“Well, what did the principal say?”
“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number.”
04/30/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11368
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”
Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
“To your house!”