Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: “Bart, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response.

He replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God”.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar.

The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend’s act of charity.

“Why the hell did you do that?” yells Kurt.

“You know he’s only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!”

Desmond laughs: “What…and we weren’t?”

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.

“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”

“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”