Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer. “Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what … if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”

“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.

“How do you figure?” asked John.

“Well, John – you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.

So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.

Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!

So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!

But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.

Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”

“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde.

“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde,

“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”

They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.'”

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**

After a weekend vacation, a sergeant got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time.

It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.

He decided to summon each of them to his office to get an explanation.

The first soldier walks in, and the sergeant asks: “Well, what’s your excuse for showing up so late?”

“Sory, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped and then suddenly an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride!

Well, you know, I couldn’t refuse the man’s kind gesture, and I got on, only it took forever to get here and that’s why I was late!”

“HMMPH,” said the surprised sergeant. “I gues that’s a reasonable explanation,” and he let the soldier go.

He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse.

“Sory, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and buggy stopped for me…”

And the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow.

One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence.

The last soldier then walks in, and the sergeant, now quite angry says: “I suppose you hitch-hiked too?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“YES SIR!”

“And I suppose you also got a ride?”

“YES SIR!”

“And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?”

“NO SIR!”

“NO???” asked the surprised sergeant.

“NO SIR, it was a 2014 mercedes, SIR!”

“Then why the heck were you late?!”

“We tried to make good time sir,” answered the soldier apologetically,

“But the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!”