04/29/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11365
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. “Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
“Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?” “Iced tea, please,” Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.
“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”
“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.
“Uh…really?” Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. “Oh, yes!” the mother continued.
“When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!” “Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous.
“Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”
“Well, thanks for the tip,” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
“The Twist, Mom!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “That damned dance is called the Twist!”
04/28/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11362
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
04/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11359
Once Dean and Martin came to Martin’s house and heard some noises in Martin’s bedroom upstairs.
Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door.
They found his milkman in bed with Martin’s wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.
Martin was shaking with rage.
He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean.
Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin’s rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”
Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”
04/26/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11355
Today I opened a new email account, I always use the same password: “cabbage”. It’s easy to remember. But it seems the computer had other plans…
Please enter your new password:
“cabbage”
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
“boiled cabbage”
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
“1 boiled cabbage”
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
“50bloodyboiledcabbages”
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
“50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
“50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,
IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIf
YouDontGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, that password is already in use.
04/25/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11352
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”
A policeman seeing the sign stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”
“Well, that’s a little different; the officer smiled “Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”