Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. “Mommy, it’s the minister,” he said to his mother.

From the kitchen, Johnny’s mom said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.”

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered.

“When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me.”

“So?” the Rabbi asked indignantly.

“So I don’t want to remind him!”

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.

So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.

Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.

The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.

He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.

She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers.

Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.

She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.

Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.

He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”