Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros

In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 euros

Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 euros

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said.

“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.”

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered.

“Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other lethal creatures.

The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them three wishes.

Nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and partying.

Suddenly, there was a big splash. The host looked and saw a man swimming for his life across the tank. Thankfully, he made it across in one piece.

The host walked over to the man and said, “Alright – you made it! WOW! What are your three wishes?”

The man replied: “First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give it to me. Second, see those bullets over there? Give them to me too. Third, show me the jerk that pushed me in.”

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.

The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says,

“I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

“What kind of question?” the neighbour asks.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbour.

“You just say, ‘Of course, I will’.”

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I MEANT to say.

But what came OUT was, ‘Of course I do’.”

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,”I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Green Beret, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret’s boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Green Beret asked. “This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?”