Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Finally, it was Ned the Mailman’s last day.

As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house, he received a box of fine cigars.

But at the next house, he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn’t mind.

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything…but…what’s the dollar for?”

“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!”

She beamed at him. “The breakfast part was my idea!”

A middle-aged male professor receives a knock on the door of his office on campus.

After fumbling about for a few moments, he opens the door to find an old man, who greets him with a big smile and says:

“May I come in? I worked in this very room thirty years ago when I was a professor at this college.”

“Sure!” replied the professor. “Be my guest!”

The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, “The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old desk.”

When examining it, he noticed there was a young girl hiding under the desk.

The young man got alarmed and said, “Don’t mistake me. She’s my daughter. She dropped her earring and is searching for it.”

The old man said, “And the same old story…”

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country with his father. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter – and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided that that was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.

The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

“You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. “Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice.

He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled:

“From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly. “The Undertaker!”