Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Much to the confusion and surprise of their parents, kids can sometimes blurt out the darndest things! Whether they’re having a chat with their toys or asking tricky questions about an aspect of life that is too early to reveal to them, some of the most hilarious things ever uttered have come straight from the mouths of babes. Keep scrolling to discover some of the most outrageous things kids have ever said:

I went to see a mortgage advisor with my 7 year old son. As I sat at the desk, my son sat down and said to the man “Hello, I am not her husband.”

5 year old: “Can I have a Twik?”
Me: “You mean Twix?”
5 year old: “No, I only want one.”

My 4 year old was using this spider man cup all day long without complaints.Then he hands it to me and calmly states, “Here, Mama. This is the worst cup I have ever seen.”

2 year old: “What’s that? Can I hold it?”
Me: ” That’s a calculator.”
2 year old: “No, that’s a calculNOW.”

I told my kids that we are no longer saying “shut up” because it sounds mean and can hurt people’s feelings. So my kids are getting creative with their use of words. My 9 year old daughter was talking and talking, and my 6 year old son couldn’t take it anymore and said, “SILENCE YOU PEASANT!”

When my child came home from school on the bus, I paused the work conference call I was on to ask her how her day was. She responded, “Shhhh go back to work. I have a list of things I want you to buy me with the money you are making.”She is five.

“C’mon, Elsa! Get it together!”
My almost 3 year old said this to her doll who kept falling over.

Soccer coach: “When you are trying to scrore a goal, kick the ball with the laces of your shoes.”
My 4 year old daughter: “Umm, we are in preschool. Dere’s only belcro [velcro] walking around here.”

My son walks up to me with his hands dangling under his chin, fingers spread out and wiggling around.
Son: “Mom, like my beard of testicles?!”
Me: “…What? Beard of… What?”
Son: “My beard of testicles…. I’m an octopus!”
Me: “TENTACLES, kiddo. They are called tentacles.”
Son: “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

I sat down with my 3 year old daughter who was playing at her dollhouse.
I asked her which doll I could be and she replied, “The one that does the dishes.”

Dropped [my son] off at preschool and he says, ” Have a good weekend, Mommy” as he leaves the car. Clearly he has plans that don’t include me.

3 year old daughter: “Boys can wear dresses, right?”
Husband: “Yes, they can – most boys don’t, but if they wanted to, they could.”
3 year old daughter: “Daddy, you wouldn’t look good in a dress- it’s not your style.”

From my 5 year old: “Why do my little ball things hurt when I squeeze them?They’re not even attached to my body.”
Me: “Why is the dog’s head all wet?”

My 3 year old (standing outside on the patio): “Oh, because I peed on him.”
My 3 year old daughter walks in on my husband using the bathroom and says,
“Daddy, put that thing back in your pants.”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”

The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the ‘thing’ sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady:

“There’s no justice in the world!“

The other old lady asked what she meant.

She replied: “Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.“

“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.“

“Now I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I’m too old to squat!“

Year after year Bubba’s wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, “Verna Lou, sweet thang, I’m sorry. You’ve been good luck and I’m gonna bring you with me the next time. If you’ll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we’ll go home.”

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, “Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I’ll know?”

“Bubba, darlin’, I put a big ‘X’ on the side of the boat right down closest to the water.”

“Sweet thang, that’s about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don’t you know that won’t work? We may not get the same boat the next time!”

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck.

Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny’s mother and said, “Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?”

Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?”

“Well,” said Mary, “this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!”