Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “we have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from making love for two weeks.“

The couple agreed and came two weeks later.

The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?“

“Pastor, I’m afraid we weren’t able to go two weeks without making love.“ The younger man replied.

“What happened?“ inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bend over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.“

“You understand, of course, that this means you’ll not be welcome in our church,“ stated the pastor.

“That is okay,“ said the young man.

“we’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.“

We all know what it means to be young – and boy do we think about those days a lot – but it’s not always easy to tell if you are officially ‘old’ yet or not. Here are 15 signs to look out for. If you experience any of these calamitously funny symptoms you are almost certainly past your best…

You know you are old when…
…you’ve been there and done that, but don’t remember what that was.

You know you are over the hill when…
… the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

You know you are fading fast when…
… you spot that first gray hair on your kid!

You know you are on your last legs when…
… “Getting any?” means sleep.

You know you’ve seen better days when…
… you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know your days are numbered when…
… you’ve still got it, but don’t know what to do with it.

You know you’ve got one foot in the grave when…
… the candles cost more than the cake.

You know life is passing you by when…
…you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.

You know you are knocking on Heaven’s door when…
… you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

You know you are about to kick the bucket when…
… you want to take back all those time you didn’t nap when you were younger.

You know you are about to bite the dust when…
… you read the obituary to check on your friends.

You know you are approaching the final curtain when….
… you start lying about your children’s ages.

You know you’ll soon be pushing up the daisies when…
… people no longer view you as a hypochrondriac.

You know your last dance is coming up when…
… you feel bad in the morning without staying out the night before.

You know the end is nigh when…
… Happy hour is a nap.

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

“Please come quickly,” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.

“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.

“And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children.

After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: “I believe that you all suffer from some obsession.”

He turned to the first mother and said, “You obviously have an obsession with food. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny,”

He turned to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go”.

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.

“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”