Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.

He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.

“Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole”. He points out.

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

“Hope you don’t mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?”

“Well, you see Mr.Officer,” the old lady explains, “I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don’t mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden.” She said, her voice shaking with indignation.

“So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I’d say: ‘$50 bucks or I’ll cut it off!'”

Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:

“Is the second bag filled with money too?”

“Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays.”

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her.’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’

The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,’ he panted. ‘I had to do it the hard way.’

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, she took care of him in return, and eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn’t anyone else in the island.

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier.

One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed. “What’s wrong?” Scarlett Johansson asked, “Nothing…” the guy would say.

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn’t asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him to try.

“Really?, you’ll do anything I’d like?”

“Sure,” she said “anything!”

“Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore.”

“Ok…”

“Now put this shirt on please, but first, “tape” your boobs so they are flat.”

“Wha… ok, I’d say I’d do anything” she said lovingly.

“oO, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it.”

She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.

“Now I’d like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache.”

“Ok… if this is what you want…” she muttered.

“Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I’ll catch up to you in a bit,” he said a bit excited…

She started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn’t her, maybe it was him?

Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: “Man! you won’t believe WHO I’ve been sleeping with for the past 6 months!”

A lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by the sheriff.

“Ma’am, I have to warn you, you have a broken stake on your wheel,” says the sheriff.

“Oh dear. I’ll let my husband, Jacob know as soon as I get home,” she replies.

“That’s fine,” he continues. “Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that terrible cruelty to the animal. Have your husband take care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the sheriff. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked the husband. “He said a stake is broken,” replied the lady. “I can fix that in a heartbeat. What else?” asked the husband.

The wife replied: “I’m not sure, Jacob – something to do with the emergency brake.”

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? You idiot, he’s not deaf – he’s BLIND!”