Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, as the man is sucking down the drink he looks over and notices a dog licking his nuts.

The man thought nothing of it and orders another drink.

Time goes by and the man notices the dog still licking his balls.

So the man looks at the bartender and says, “Man, I wish I could do that” so the bartender looks at the man and says, “go ahead he does not bite!”

Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally says what does in heat mean?

Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.

When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?

Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.

A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.

Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of penises are there?”

The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.

During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh… Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.

Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for squirrel”

Three men died and went to hell.

When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied “I have a drinking problem.”

So the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.

He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, “I can’t stop cheating on my wife.”

The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.

Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply “I’m a pot smoker.”

So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.

In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says, “I will never drink again!” so the devil sends him to heaven.

He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says “I will never look at another woman again!” so the devil sends him to heaven.

Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face.

When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, “Hey man you got a light??”