Daily Joke: Jokes Library

So you want the day off.
Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have
two days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have
used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts
for 23 days a year leaving 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up
another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available.
You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves
you 20 days available.
You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is
now down to 15 days a year.
We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year,
which leaves only 1 day available for work.
So if you think you are going to have that day off,
You out of your mind!!!

Two blondes were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.

In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.

None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal.

Mr. Jones says, “does anyone know what sound a cow makes?”

Nobody moves or makes a sound. So MR. Jones explains that cows go moo.

Then he asks what sound a duck makes, and still nobody can answer him. “Ducks go quack,” Mr. Jones says.

Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand to the surprise of Mr. Jones.

“Go ahead johnny. What does a pig say?”

Without hesitation johnny yells out, “Up against the wall motherf_cker!”

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”

At the end of humanity, there were three gentlemen left on the face of the Earth.

The Creator (or whatever divine entity you’d like to place here) descends from the heavens to congratulate the last three survivors.

“You’ve made it to the end my friends.” States the God-being to the three men.

“As reward for this accomplishment, I will create an individual Earth for each of you, filled with your most treasured desire.”

The three gentlemen began to shake with excitement and burst into streaming tears of joy.

“You will have 100 years of good health and no aging, to enjoy these places of chosen paradise. Step forward and state your desire. Your paradise will be filled to the brim!”

The first man, an alchoholic, steps forward and states:

“I want my paradise filled with the best Beer!”

The God-being grants the desire and the paradise is filled with kegs of beer as far as the eye can see.

The second man, a sex addict, steps forward and states:

“I want my paradise filled with young and beautiful people to fulfill my sexual desires!”

Desire granted, and the paradise is filled with young and beautiful people willing to please.

The third man, a stoner, steps forward and states:

“I want my paradise filled with Marijuana!”

It is done. The men are transported to their paradises to enjoy 100 years of pleasure.

At the end of the 100 years the God-being brings them all together again to review how they’ve enjoyed their existence in Paradise.

“My children, please share how you’ve enjoyed your chosen paradise!”

The alcoholic steps forward, shaking uncontrollably.

“It was great at first oh wise one! But eventually all the beer began to go stale, and was disgusting! I haven’t had a drink in at least 90 years!”

The sex addict steps forward, crying with frustration.

“They all AGED! They didn’t stay young and beautiful! It was horrific! Why have you been so cruel to us!?”

The stoner slowly walks forward, shuffling his feet as he goes, defeated.

“Does anyone have a lighter?”