Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5
months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I’m doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,
they’ll say,
‘Well, he/she looks good.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said
“You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me..
do you still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said:
“Jake do we still have intercourse?”
Jake answered impatiently
“If I told you once I told you a thousand times
We have blue cross !!”

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”

Having determined that the husband was infertile,
a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told
to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation
and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
“Wait a second!
What the hell is going on here?” she yelled.
“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor.
“Well, yes, but” stammered the woman.
“Well lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor.
“Were out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle
for what’s on tap.”