Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that  they didn’t produce the desired results.

“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.

“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said,  “Shoving them up my ass?”

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.

Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.

No! – exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

What did you tell him?

I told him that if he didn’t eat his broccoli, his mickey wouldn’t grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

What was that for? – he asks, confused.

FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes. After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant sexual demands.

The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce. After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”

The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”

The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.

He said “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”

The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.

She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his sexual advancements again.

She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife. He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”

The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.

“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”

Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly
were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped,
he said: I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear, when he
finished he explained: That was my mobile phone, I have
a microchip in my hand.
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone
he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
Having returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The hillbilly finally said…
Well would you look at that I’m getting a fax!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”