Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”

The officer calmly told him of his violation.

The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.

The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign.

The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.

The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser.

The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him.

The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?”

“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'”

“What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?”

“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”

“Aggressive and hostile?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘A$shole’?”

The officer grinned, “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”

“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So, the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, “I win!”

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin…. and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful.

Now listen very, very, closely, “Are – my – test – results – back?”

ADVICE: Do listen carefully when the patient is wearing a mask!

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.

“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”