Daily Joke: Jokes Library

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5’2″, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe my luck.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”

I said okay, weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn’t drink.

I said “you don’t drink?!?”

“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this.

So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:

“wanna get a room and knock boots?”

She says: I thought you’d never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

A lesbian named Linda went to the beach.

She unrolled her towel, removed her clothes, and lay down in her bikini.

She looked to her left and saw an absolute knockout of a woman lying on her towel, reading a novel.

“This woman is absolutely gorgeous,” thought Linda.

“She’s the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. With my luck, she’s a lesbian too. I should start up a conversation.”

She turned to the woman and asked, “What sort of stuff do you like?”

“I like plants,” replied the woman.

“Do you like sunflowers?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like pine trees?”

“I like them too.”

“Do you like pu$$-y willow?”

Suddenly, without warning, the woman tore off her bikini.

Then she leapt onto Linda’s towel and ripped off hers.

Linda was shocked at first, but then realized that this was exactly what she had wanted.

So, the two women rolled around, making passionate love, and were inevitably kicked off the beach.

As Linda drove home, she thought to herself, “How did that lady know I was a lesbian?”

As the other woman drove home, she thought to herself, “How did that lady know my name was Willow?”

This guy had just bought a BMW M5 and decided to take it out and open it up.

He was cruising along Dutch roads just admiring the beautiful scenery.

He decided to see how it ran at speed, so he took it up to 110kph.

It felt great. Then up to 145kph.

Then he saw the flashing lights in his rearview mirror.

He decided to try to outrun the cop.

After a few minutes over 240kph he decided that this wasn’t the smartest thing he ever did and pulled over.

The cop came up, took his license without a word, looked it over. Then he said, “It’s Friday, it’s late. If you can give me an excuse for your behavior that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.”

The guy thought a few seconds and said,”Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates…

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.” And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?” “No, I am Moses.

Mohammed is higher still.” Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?” “No, I am Jesus… You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No my son…..I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please!” said the man.God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:”Hey Mohammed, two coffees!”

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?” “No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said. “Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.” “Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?” “Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.” The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”