Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After 15 years of not having s3x, an old couple finally decide that it’s about time they did something about their s3x life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, “By jove I think this is working, I’m getting really turned on!!”
They old man replies, “Well how do you mean love?”
His wife says, “Well I’m getting all hot… my n!ppl3s are red hot!!!”
He replies, “Well I’m not bloody surprised woman! You’ve got one n!pple in your coffee and the other in your porridge!”

Moms will be Moms… Doesn’t matter who you are. Here is some Mom talk.

Issac Newton’s mother – “But did you wash the apple before eating it?”

Archimedes’s mother – “Didn’t you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

Thomas Edison’s mother – Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed !!!”

Abraham Lincoln’s mother – “Now that you have become President for heaven’s sake get rid of that shabby tailcoat and stovepipe hat, and buy yourself a decent outfit.”

James Watt’s mother – “If you just keep watching that damn lid lifting and dropping, rice will be burnt. Turn off the stove now.”

Alexander Graham Bell’s mother – “You have installed this new silly thing in the house alright, but I do not want girls calling you at odd hours.”

Galileo Galilei’s mother – “What use is seeing that goddamn moon with your telescope if it does not help me to see my mother in Milano.”

Samuel Morse’s mother – “Make sure your school report card doesn’t have only dashes and dots.”

Mona Lisa’s mother – “After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the best smile you can give us ?”

Michelangelo’s mother – “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?”

Albert Einstein’s mother – “Can’t you do something about your hair ? Use styling gel or something?”

Bill Gates’s mother – “You keep browsing all day long; watch out if I ever catch you on any adult web-site.”

Danial Fahrenheit’s mother – “Stop playing with boiling water and let me make tea.”

Georg Ohm’s mother – “I don’t like you resisting everything I say.”

Robert Boyle’s mother – “If your volume is really inversely proportional to pressure, you must be having a constipation. Take a laxative.”

Alessandro Volta’s mother – “It is shocking to see you all the while dipping those copper and zinc rods in that beaker.”

Andre Ampere’s mother – `Apart from fooling around all the time shall you ever find time to glance through your current books!”

Socrates’s mother – “If you keep drinking from any cup, it is not necessary that you will also survive like Meera Bai.”

Christopher Columbus’ mother – “I don’t care what you were busy discovering and where, you could still have dropped a two line letter!”

Dedicated to All Mothers, But for Whom The Human Civilisation wouldn’t Have Progressed.

John goes to the deli for some soup. After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.

When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”

John says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”

John says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds – vegetable, Italian Ministrone?”

John says, “Taste this soup!”

The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.

He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”

“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”