Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

An architect vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?

Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.

What are you doing here?”

The architect replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?

Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”

The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn’t been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, “Dear, I think I’ve come up with the perfect sermon! I’m going to give a sermon about horseback riding!”

She said, “Don’t be silly! You can’t give a sermon about horseback riding!”

He replied, “Well, it’s going to have to do because I’ve preached on just about every other subject I can think of.”

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, “I can’t believe that you’re insisting on doing this! You know, if you’re going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding,

I’m just going to stay in the car during the service.”

He said, “OK, then, suit yourself!”, so she stayed in the car.

Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.

One of them said, “Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!”

She said, “Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he’s only tried it twice in his life! “Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!”

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
I don’t have gray hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”