Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken meet… What Follows Next Will Make You Go ROFL

Bear says:

“If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”

Lion says:

“If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me”

Chicken says:

“Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet sh!ts itself.

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny, of course, though he did.

Johnny’s mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behaviour over the last year.

“Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.”

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1:

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a
very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Johnny. Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4: God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Johnny. Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Johnny was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Johnny’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner”, Johnny’s mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5: God, I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!

An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test:

“Here is your first question.” The foreman says.

“Without using numbers, represent the number nine?”

“Without numbers?”

The old man says. “That’s easy.”

And he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” The boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.

“Fair enough.” Says the boss.

“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”

The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.

The boss scratches his head and says.

“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.”

“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?”

The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.

The boss looks at the man’s picture.

“You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?”

The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers.

“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said,

‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said,

‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said,

‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.

“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.

“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.

They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.