01/13/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16785
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
01/12/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16782
The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.
The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, “I spent my whole life studying the heavens. I would like to face the sky, with the hood on like night!”
The executioner positions the physicist and drops the blade…
… and it stops inches from the physicists’ neck.
The priest cries, “It’s a sign from God! This man is innocent! Set him free!”, so the king pardons him, and orders the mathematician executed next.
The executioner offers the mathematician the same choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The mathematician replies, “They all result in an equivalent state, but hood off face down is the most elegant solution!”
The executioner positions the mathematician and drops the blade…
… and it stops inches from the mathematician’s neck.
The priest cries, “It’s a sign from God! This man is innocent! Set him free!”, so the king pardons him, and orders the engineer executed next.
The executioner offers the engineer the same choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The engineer replies, “I have always loved machines, and there is no more elegant a killing machine than the guillotine. I will spend my final moments marveling in its beauty!”
The executioner positions the engineer and, as he’s about to drop the blade, the engineer shouts:
“I see the problem!”
01/11/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16780
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly..
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than myFerrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
01/10/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16777
“Says here,” he says, “you didn’t really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place.”
“Yes,” said the dead soul. “But I said I’d rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!”
“Huh,” says the demon. “Okay, we don’t normally do requests, but this once, we’re prepared to accommodate you. Here we go…”
In a moment they were translated from the Vestibule to the Ninth Circle, where Satan himself is eternally imprisoned at the centre of the great ice plain, and the dead soul saw someone he knew, frozen into the ice. With a gesture, the demon unfroze the ice slightly and pushed the new arrival in next to his friend.
“Enjoy the Circle of Traitors,” he said, and vanished, leaving the two men alone facing each other at arm’s length, already frozen in place from the waist down.
“I don’t understand, Bob,” said the new arrival. “You were a great guy! How did you end up here? In Hell? In the Circle of Traitors?!”
The dead in Hell cannot lie.
“…I fuck3d my best friend’s wife,” Bob answered.
01/09/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16774
When a woman entered the pharmacy, she approached the pharmacist and stated to him, staring into his eyes,
“I want to purchase some cyanide.”
Why on earth do you need cyanide, the pharmacist questioned.
“I need it to poison my husband,” the woman said.
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kinds of awful things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” the pharmacist cried, his eyes growing wide.
The woman took out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife from her purse.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription, so that’s different, the pharmacist said after taking a look at the picture.